Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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