What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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