my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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