I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
