fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
