One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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