when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
