Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize