the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
