You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize