my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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