My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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