: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
