I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm always down for nudity.
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