Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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