my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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