Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
