Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize