i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
