I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize