I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
