The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
