I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize