i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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