Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I touched a dick in church today
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
