i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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