i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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