I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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