And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just pynch a tree in the face
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
