i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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