just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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