There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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