i think my tv is drunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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