Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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