Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
