1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The chlamydia really affected his face.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
