I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
