so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm getting married
To pizza
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
