I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
