if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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