I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
