i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
