just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
