I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize