Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
