I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
