i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
