Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
