I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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