You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
