I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
