Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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