my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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