I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
