Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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