even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
