I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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