why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
