Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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